My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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