he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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