dude i'm inner monologue high
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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