He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
