She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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