He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
