i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
