i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
