Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
