i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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