My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
