TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
