I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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