it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
