If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
