i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
