Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
