A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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