The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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