Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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