Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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