Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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