I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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