whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
