the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
