is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
