saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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