dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
