you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
