Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
