Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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