found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
