i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
