Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
