Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
