this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
