I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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