Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
