I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment