Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other