I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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