I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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