You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
