Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
