I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
