he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
