I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
