What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
