oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
