Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
