I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
