I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
