Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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