Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
