So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
