oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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