The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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