Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
