If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
