If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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