So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
