It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
