i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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