I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
