new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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