i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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