Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
