did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
