I accidentally burped into my bong.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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