I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
